Nauseous Indigestion

I’ve come to the conclusion that I fuck up more times than not. You’d think that because it happens so often I’d hardly even bat an eye, and to a certain extent I don’t even think twice. Accept your faults and move on. But, I get a horrible unsettling feeling when those fuck ups come at the expense of the ones I love the most. I obsess over ways to make things better, and what I realize I make myself sick in doing so.

I dropped a bowl in my kitchen today and it broke into a million little pieces. I got my broom and dustpan, and cleaned the mess up. I threw what was left of the bowl away. Out of sight, out of mind. How I wish fucking up with matters of the heart was the same. I wish that after  saying sorry I could just forgive myself, and forget that the whole thing ever happened. Out of sight, out of mind…right?

Life is never that easy.

That stupid bowl had no emotional investment in me, nor did I have any in it. That stupid bowl did not depend on me to look out for its best interests. That stupid bowl is in the trashcan, but my screw up is on my mind. Oh how I wish something could make this sinking, disconcerting feeling go away. At most, I have to accept the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Perhaps that’s my penance?

Diphenhydramine Vacation

This morning my eyes just wouldn’t open and my legs just wouldn’t work. Heavy and sluggish; lumbering out of bed became a task that I did not want to deal with. Warm, comfortable, in good company and content; dragging myself into the early morning sun was the last thing I wanted to do. But at least my sleep was nice.

Last night was the first night in quite some time that Diphenhydramine did not enter my system. In short, I didn’t need to take Tylenol PM to go to sleep. That felt nice; made me feel relatively normal for once. Maybe I need to go to baseball games more often? Or maybe the horrible nachos consumed at said baseball game did enough of a number on my system, enough to zonk me out by 11:00. I’m not really in the mood to philosophize the why’s an how’s beyond that. Besides, doing so might make me superstitious or in the least as dependent on my new found tiring activity as I am with Tylenol PM.

Leaving the house was even harder. It’s quite an understatement to say that I am not acclimated to the early morning sun, nor do I think I ever will be. With the sun in my eyes and listening loudly to Broadcast Oblivion, I made my trek to work. Damn, I wish I hadn’t broken my sunglasses.

Driving up to work found me regretting the fact that I woke up. One day I’ll have the courage to just turn around and go home even if it’s just for one more kiss or or another hug goodbye. One day I’ll have the courage to realize the beauty in a day and just go to the beach or skip town. Ever watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? There’s the moment in the beginning of the movie where Jim Carrey’s character decides to cut work and make his way to the beach. One day that will be me. Responsibilities be damned, I need some “me” time. Until that day comes I’ll just be greatful for a night of sleep in hopes of it beinging followed by many others.